Motherhood by the Numbers

[Guest post by Mrs. Dunce Two, number whiz, baller, dance machine, and aspiring Dunce Five].

I’ve always been a numbers person; I’m one of those weird people that actually enjoys doing taxes, paying bills and making budgets.  It’s not for everyone, I know; but it’s always been my thing. 

But lately rather than thinking about budgets, taxes or paying bills, I’ve been thinking about a lot of other numbers.  Seemingly useless, annoying numbers.  They really only equate to frustration and lost time. 

You see, I have three children.  A six-year old and 20-month old twins.  I am a stay-at-home mom, but I guess I don’t really stay home, but rather, stay near home, or by home.  I do occasionally venture out and run errands, but usually always with regret.  I can’t go anywhere without one of my children screaming as soon as she gets in the cart and I always end up holding her, pushing the cart with him whining that he’s not being held and enduring a LOT of stares!  But lately I’m baffled by how many people are telling me how this age of twins is so much easier.  Really?  Have they ever had twins?  Have they ever had a 20-month old?  Because this is how the numbers break down on any given day:
27–the number of peas, carrots, apples slices, or other various fruit or vegetable I try to feed them that inevitabley gets throw on the floor
18–the number of times I put shoes on chubby 20-month twin feet–and they almost instantly are taken off, and then pushed in my face for me to put them back on
15–the number of diapers I change each day
11–the number of things I throw away that get taken back out of the trash
7–the number of times each day that one of them gets hurt and starts screaming
4–the number of items one of the twins needs to carry to the car each time we go somewhere
2–the number of times each day I feel like I could go insane
0–the number of bathroom breaks without a screaming child at the door
Don’t get me wrong, I love my kids.  But I could do without some of the shoe removal, pea-splattered floor, and screaming!  Sometimes I find myself dreaming of being hospitalized and requiring a two-day stay.  As my husband pointed out, that would be an expensive break.  But two days of rest, TV and having your meals brought to you sounds pretty good.  It’s not like I would actually plan a two-day break.  I’m too busy to plan one or go on one.  It’s only a phase, or a stage, I try to tell myself.  Just like the waking up at night, that seemed to go on forever (well, 14 months is almost forever!).  I love when moms of one or two try to give me advice or fake sympathy.  As if they know what it’s like.  I, too, was once a mom of just one.  And I, too, didn’t know anything!  Twins are a whole different animal!  So unless you’re offering to babysit, keep your comments to yourself!   And if you’re coming to babysit, be prepared to pick up 27 peas off the floor.

2 thoughts on “Motherhood by the Numbers

  1. If you feel like you are going to go insane ONLY twice a day then I think you are doing pretty good 🙂 I had to laugh at the part where you talked about dreaming of being hospitalized just so you could get a break. No kidding, I just had a conversation with a friend about that very thing. I am right there with you and I don’t even have twins!

  2. I can attest to the 27, sadly also the 0, and I too question the 2. My number is much higher, and I am around them much less.

    She really does like numbers, though. More than eating, cavorting, and just about anything else. I don’t question it, though; it’s good to have at least one budgeter in the mix. My idea of budgeting is checking the ATM once a week or so. NOT the best method (experience has shown).

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