Name a good gift for a pirate

I was watching “Family Feud” the other night, and one category really caught my attention: “Name a good gift for a pirate.”  I know a lot about pirates.  A lot (I was Blackbeard three Halloweens straight as a kid, and “National Talk Like A Pirate” day is my favorite holiday: arrrg!).  I was ready to ace this category (from the comfort of my own living room, of course; I live in mortal fear of embarrassing the world with how much more brilliant than them I am on national television).

So there I was, on the edge of my couch, and this woman named Leslie from the Jones family slams her manicured hand down on the buzzer and says: “per-fume!” (with a Texas twang).  Perfume.  Per-fume?!?!?! Has this woman never met a pirate?  Maybe they don’t have pirates in Dallas.  At least not legit pirates.  Not close enough to any large bodies of water, I guess.

Survey says: “X

Needless to say, the Jones family did not get a chance to play the category.  So it went to the dad from the Marquette family.  “Eye patch,” he ventured.  A fair guess.  I mean, I can think of things a pirate would like a lot better, but most of them could definitely use an eye patch, what with all the dagger fighting and all.

Survey says: “15,” with a ding, and it was up to the Marquette family to bring it home.  But bring it home they did not.  Suffice it to say, it was all down hill from “eye patch.”

“Potpourri,” ventured Grandma Marquette.  No Grandma.  No.

Survey says: “X

“Hot dogs,” ventured awkward teenage Marquette boy.  No, awkward teenage Marquette boy.  Get your head out of the gutter.

Survey says: “X

One more strike to go.

“Fish ‘n chips,” offered Mama Marquette.  “2” dinged the board, and no one was more surprised than I was.  Sometimes I am convinced that the only people dumber than the contestants on Family Feud are the 100 people they survey for the answers to Family Feud.

The Marquette family was alive, but just barely.

“I don’t know.  Like, hoop earrings,” said teenage Marquette Aunt, barely containing her boredom, or her Bubblicious.  (POP!)

Survey says…”10.”  Again, surprising.  Who are these people they are interviewing?  Who are these pansy pirates?

Still alive.  Back to dad.  And dad blew it.  Royally.

“Uh, suntan lotion.”  Suntan lotion?  Suntan lotion?!?!?!?!?!?! Everyone knows that all pirates have an intense aversion to suntan lotion.  It goes against the pirate code.

Survey says: “X

And all of a sudden, the Jones family has a chance to redeem themselves.  But redeem themselves they do not.

“Flowers,” said Great Aunt Jones.

“Corvette,” said sister-in-law Jones.

“Golf clubs,” said twin Uncle Jones, first name Danny.

“Yeah, golf clubs,” said other twin Uncle Jones, first name Davy (ironic, no?)

Back to Leslie.  “I’m gonna go with golf clubs.”

Killing me!

What about rum?

What about booty?

Treasure maps?

Pirate hats?



What about good pirate names? Everyone needs a good name.

Survey says: “IDIOTS!!!

So there you go. What is a good gift for a pirate?

17 thoughts on “Name a good gift for a pirate

  1. Have you ever seen Swiss Family Robinson? I used to think it would be really fun to live on an island in a 5000 square foot tree-house and have ostrich races. And coconut grenades are the coolest.

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