How To Grow More Facial Hair

fu manchuDunce Two, a word please. Do you know how to grow more facial hair? I ask because it is still chilly here at night and my face freezes. In the past I have tried to grow a Van Dyke, various chops, a Fu Manchu, and every other facial permutation you can think of. And many that you can’t, but I won’t hold that against you for now.

Here is the situation: I can grow big fat wolverine sideburns, and a throat beard that would make Brigham Beard weep. But my upper lip and lower chin stay nearly as bald and smooth as a porcelain doll’s cheek that has been combined with a baby’s butt.

Once on New Year’s Eve I bought some of that Just For Men hair dye and tried to dye my skin a little darker, but it did not look very lifelike.

I implore you. I am a beggar. What am I to do?

7 thoughts on “How To Grow More Facial Hair

  1. I have often wondered myself, Dunce One, how to grow more facial hair. I was never one of those guys, you know the ones, that in 6th grade could have given Magnum P.I. a run for his money. But it seems that facial hair usually starts in the mustache region. If we could figure out how to grow a mustache, and then how to grow a mustache faster, we would be on the right track.

    Is it diet? Exercise? Shaving angle? If only the folks at Chia Pet could get together with the Rogaine people, we could really be onto something. I will have my people call call their people. We should have your face enshrouded in self-grown warming whiskers in no time!

      • I’ve heard such talk. On the streets. Maybe if you shaved, just your mustache and bare front chin region, like ten times a day, that would help.

        Exposure to extreme cold, perhaps, would also help your body adapt genetically. Like Darwin. How long does evolution take?

        I had a roommate once that, when shirtless, looked like he was wearing a rugged turtleneck sweater. I bet he would have some ideas. I’ll ask him.

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