The other night I had a dream about this lavish wedding at a palatial estate. I have never been to such a wedding in real life, but the dream reminded me of this wish I have of giving an unforgettable wedding toast.
The perfect setting would be at the wedding of a former flame, unrequited love always the best inspirational motivator. There are a number of ways you could go with it.
You could start out super normal (no matter what way I ended up going, I think this is how I would begin): some wedding jokes, “Father of the Bride” quotes, cliched other quotes on marriage and love, lots of happy wedding blessings and wishes of a long and blissful union.
But then, you have to get super weird, talking about how you will always love her more, and you know that, no matter how hard he tries, he will never love her like you did. Or be as funny or sexy or good-looking or good at kissing as you are/were. From here you could go threatening (“And I swear, if you ever hurt her, even a little bit, even just her feelings, I promise that I will find you, and it will be ON!!!” [then you dramatically rip your shirt off, revealing a 300 six pack, and rippling guns that will have even the grandmas swooning]). Or you could break down and start crying and ask her why it couldn’t have been you to make her happy for the rest of her life, and why she won’t give you another chance (this one would be a little bit embarrassing, but also fun). You could try to make her jealous, incorporating a make-out session with her best-friend-maid-of-honor-who-she-always-secretly-feared-you-had-a-thing-for-and-liked-more-than-her right there in front of everyone. Really, the possibilities are endless. But the goal is to make it absolutely as awkward as possible. For everyone.
Of course the plan is not without its obstacles. Getting invited (1) to such a wedding at all, and then (2) to give a wedding toast/speech at such a wedding, would be challenging at best. You might have to crash. I might need to find a Vince Vaughn wing man. I’ll see what I can do.
It would be fun also to incorporate some funny wedding advice. Another fantasy of mine is doing a standup comedy routine, and I think marriage/wedding material is perfect. For example, I have heard a lot of comedians joke/complain about how when you’re dating, you are having sex all the time, but then once you’re married, you never have sex again. You think that’s bad? How about the people that wait to have sex until after they’re married? They don’t have sex when they’re dating, get married, and then never have sex again (BA-DA-BOOM-BOOM…CHISH!!!).
See? Wouldn’t I be great? Who wants to invite me?
Some of the best toasts and funniest examples of wedding speeches I’ve seen recently were in The Romantics, with Katie Holmes and that guy from Win a Date with Tad Hamilton (don’t ask how I know that reference). The acting is not the best, but it’s entertaining, and kind of speaks to the wandering, (as the title would indicate) romantic, ever angsty, never content, always wondering, whatever-letter-has-been-assigned-to-people-in-their-late-20s/early-30s generation.