I have a terrible fear of dentists. They can can be white, black, yellow, or brown, male or female, giants or dwarves, and still they all blend into one horrorshow of steel and whirring tools and whining blades.
It all started when I was 12 and had my first cavity. The filling wasn’t that bad, but I accidentally bit down on one of the hooks when it was in my mouth. I chipped a tooth and screamed and yowled and well…here we are.
Last week I went to the dentist again after a year away and I was delighted to not have any new cavities. It’s been a while.
Now, I am going to lay out a few of my most premium excuses. And then I will be turning it over to you to name an excuse people give for not seeing their dentist:
- Fear of receptionist’s extra-white chompers
- Choked on an x-ray slide, can’t shake it off
- Am a nudist. Can’t find any open-minded dental professionals
- My dentist works out of the back of a truck and ran out of gas on the way to see me
- League bowling, every day, all day
- Am bound to the mast of a ship after sea-board flossing mishap
- Don’t like getting pieces of my head bashed and drilled out
- Braces were struck by lightning
- The guy who took my wisdom teeth out used the word “tum-tum” to describe the possible of the anesthetic upsetting my stomach
Dunce two, unless you are that rare candy vendor who does not partake of his own wares, please continue.