What’s A Good Present To Give A Werewolf? (dunce in peril!)

by dunce one on March 25, 2011

jacob werewolf

Do you know a good present for a werewolf? I’ll tell you why I ask.

Recently I was awakened in the night by the sound of howling. It was the night of the supermoon, as you might have known if you caught any news headlines smashed in between Libya and Charlie Sheen.

There was a dark silhouette crouched by the entrance to the tunnel. I don’t know about you, but when I wake to strange silhouettes in my sleeping habitat, I don’t immediately think that they have my best interests at heart, lovable werewolves like the shirtless Jacob from New Moon as the exception.

Actually, I take that back. Jacob appearing shirtless in my room would also not necessarily mean he had my best interests at heart.

I pushed with my heels and slowly backpedaled across the ground, eyes on the ceiling, back on the ground, hoping that the whatever-it-was would not look in my direction.

Alas. The thing hopped over to me silently and hissed that it was indeed a werewolf. It wasn’t charmingly bearded like Lon Cheney in The Wolf Man, it wasn’t rendered in horrible CGI like Benicio Del Toro in The Wolfman, it didn’t have Jacob’s abs, and it wasn’t an amorous cartoon version of a wolf like the ones that made occasional appearances in The Howling.

My main impression was that it was just dirty. Covered in mud and with matted fur sticking out every which way.

“What do you want?” I said, not really expecting an answer.

“I want a present,” it hissed at me. It’s voice sounded like it was drifting out around a mouthful of pebbles and unfortunate prey. Would I be next?

“You’ll be my next victim,” it said.




“–you give me the perfect gift.”

What? What’s a good present to give a werewolf? Because if the movies have taught me anything, it’s that these lycanthropes are not real. But…

“You have one week,” it said, before turning to go. It sniffed. It smelled my candy stash under my palette. The candy quickly vanished down its heinous gullet and I was left with nothing but my non-brilliant thoughts and my ragged breathing.

I have one week, Dunce Two. What would you suggest? Please don’t suggest that I run. He’ll find me.

It’s much easier to choose a good gift for a pirate.

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