What’s A Good Present To Give A Werewolf? (dunce in peril!)

by dunce one on March 25, 2011

jacob werewolf

Do you know a good present for a werewolf? I’ll tell you why I ask.

Recently I was awakened in the night by the sound of howling. It was the night of the supermoon, as you might have known if you caught any news headlines smashed in between Libya and Charlie Sheen.

There was a dark silhouette crouched by the entrance to the tunnel. I don’t know about you, but when I wake to strange silhouettes in my sleeping habitat, I don’t immediately think that they have my best interests at heart, lovable werewolves like the shirtless Jacob from New Moon as the exception.

Actually, I take that back. Jacob appearing shirtless in my room would also not necessarily mean he had my best interests at heart.

I pushed with my heels and slowly backpedaled across the ground, eyes on the ceiling, back on the ground, hoping that the whatever-it-was would not look in my direction.

Alas. The thing hopped over to me silently and hissed that it was indeed a werewolf. It wasn’t charmingly bearded like Lon Cheney in The Wolf Man, it wasn’t rendered in horrible CGI like Benicio Del Toro in The Wolfman, it didn’t have Jacob’s abs, and it wasn’t an amorous cartoon version of a wolf like the ones that made occasional appearances in The Howling.

My main impression was that it was just dirty. Covered in mud and with matted fur sticking out every which way.

“What do you want?” I said, not really expecting an answer.

“I want a present,” it hissed at me. It’s voice sounded like it was drifting out around a mouthful of pebbles and unfortunate prey. Would I be next?

“You’ll be my next victim,” it said.

Oh.

“Unless–”

Oh?”

“–you give me the perfect gift.”

What? What’s a good present to give a werewolf? Because if the movies have taught me anything, it’s that these lycanthropes are not real. But…

“You have one week,” it said, before turning to go. It sniffed. It smelled my candy stash under my palette. The candy quickly vanished down its heinous gullet and I was left with nothing but my non-brilliant thoughts and my ragged breathing.

I have one week, Dunce Two. What would you suggest? Please don’t suggest that I run. He’ll find me.

It’s much easier to choose a good gift for a pirate.

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

dunce one March 25, 2011 at 4:27 pm

Actually, now that I think about it, I suppose it would be helpful to know who he was during his human time. Or where he worked. Maybe he needs a paperweight.

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dunce two March 26, 2011 at 1:00 am

Well, this is quite a predicament, figuring out a good present to give a werewolf. Fortunately for you, werewolves are not the most heartless of creatures. If we learned anything from Jacob, it is that werewolves can be quite sensitive. They are, after all, people too (at least some of the time, when they are not bursting out of their clothes and chewing vampires into shreds, that is).

In light of that, I think the worst thing you could do would be to go for the cliched gift (i.e. breath mints, dog toy, etc.). This would only offend the sentimental beast. Similarly, baggy clothes to hide his wolf-like appearance or, worse yet, hair-clippers, would just make him feel self-conscious, like you did not accept him for him. This could potentially alienate him even further.

I think you are on the right track with the paper weight. You need to find out about him. What makes him tick. For example, if it was Jacob (which it sounds like you are not positive that it was not), you could get him any number of things: a tanning bed, the newest edition of Abs of Steel, Bella’s new cell number, or 5 minutes in a room alone with Edward. Just spit-balling here.

Other werewolves I have observed are more into basketball and break-dancing; maybe some Air Jordans and a boom box would be more in order.

The main thing is to find something personal, something that fits him specifically. Maybe he likes boardgames. Maybe he likes chicklit. Then again, maybe a female werewolf could be just what the doctor ordered (hey, we all have needs). I don’t know. But at least you have a little bit of time. We need to spend that time getting inside the head of the average American werewolf (assuming he is an American werewolf; you didn’t mention an accent, but I guess one shouldn’t just assume these things).

When in doubt, money answers a lot of problems. Just something to keep in mind. I’ll let you know what else I come up with.

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dunce two March 26, 2011 at 1:01 am

A bullet-proof vest or some other apparatus to stop a silver bullet? Assuming we want to make this killer wolf invincible. Which might be a bad idea. When is the next time you expect to see this guy?

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dunce one March 26, 2011 at 3:37 pm

He didn’t say. Or should I say, “you” didn’t say. I see it.

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dunce two March 26, 2011 at 9:36 pm

I’ve been called “Wolfman” before. And I have been known to get extra crazy in conjunction with certain dates on a lunar calendar. Stranger things have happened.

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dunce two March 27, 2011 at 4:02 am

I was reading an article in The New Yorker about the newest (and, come to think of it, perhaps only) Red Riding Hood movie. It indicated that some versions of the story allude to The Wolf in the Red Riding Hood tale actually being not just a wolf, but a werewolf. Which I had never considered, but did find interesting (though not quite so interesting as the also cited excerpt of a poem entitled “Little Red-Cap,” by Carol Ann Duffy, where Little Red Riding Hood proclaims, in part:

I clung till dawn to his thrashing fur,
for what little girl doesn’t dearly love a wold?

What little girl indeed?)

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dunce two April 4, 2011 at 8:09 pm

I see MTV (not Music Television) is coming out with a new series: Teenwolf. What will they think of next?

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dunce one April 4, 2011 at 9:28 pm

I’ve heard that it is grim and not nearly as fun. I have to wonder if it will include the name “boof.”

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DUNCE TWO April 5, 2011 at 6:40 pm

Grim, but not Grimm? That might be a mistake. If they knew what was good for them, they’d bring back Michael J. Fox.

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manderz February 2, 2012 at 10:54 pm

For me… I would love to be given a place to go when the ‘inner beast’ is about to take over and some really rare steaks for the hours I’m transformed… but that’s just me males are very different…

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mvbaurqfiorg April 27, 2012 at 8:28 am

if they are anything like me, any gift would be fine, especially some sort of foreign candy(chocolate-truffle, dark-chocolate, and white-chocolate are okay, but not milk-chocolate or cacao) werewolves tend to enjoy a good cup of tea, so any authentic english(bigelow/twinnings) or chinese(celestial seasonings) tea would be good. also, as stated above, avoid anything that could be offensive(i.e. gag gifts relating to dogs) jerkey is good though. note i am one third werewolf, tengu(similar to a harpy), and kitsune(fox demon).

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