Top 10 Signs You May Not Be Staying in the Nicest Hotel in Town

Had the opportunity to drive cross country with my family here recently.  Was inspired to create the following list, in a style admittedly similar to but not in actionable infringement of one of David Letterman’s Late Show Top Ten.  Here it goes [Disclaimer: the conditions described are fictional-ish, and are here shared for strictly humorous purposes with no libelous intent; any accidental resemblance to actual establishments is purely coincidental and not subject to prosecution or suit]:

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MIGHT NOT BE STAYING AT THE CLASSIEST HOTEL IN TOWN

10.  The “hotel” you are staying at is not a hotel at all, but a motel (some people believe there is a positive difference between an “inn” and a “motel.”  Those people are mistaken, at least as pertaining to establishments appearing along Interstate 70).

9.  The lobby smells like a Las Vegas casino (not one of the classier joints like the Bellagio, either, but something from the seedier end of the strip), and the lone clerk looks like an old Vegas black jack dealer (and not from one of the nicer establishments, like the Bellagio, or even the less classy places on the seedier end of the strip; we’re talking one of those off-the-strip places with penny slots and 10 cent wings and sticky floors that make you feel like you need to get a tetanus shot and/or gargle Listerine and/or bathe your entire body in hand sanitizer the moment you walk through the door).

8.  They proudly offer “cheap weekly rates” (and while they don’t openly offer hourly rates, you get the distinct impression things could rapidly degenerate in that direction with very little urging).

7.  Despite the fact that it is located in a small town that also happens to be hosting a regional volleyball tournament, it still has plenty of available rooms, even though every other place was full weeks ago.

6.  The appliances in the room are older than you are: Photo0293

5.  They still have these types of TVs (where do you even find these anymore; they haven’t sold them for over a decade?): Photo03004.  The towel racks look like a group of traveling frat boys/linebackers tried to do a pull-up contest on them:

Photo02963.   They charge for toiletries, including 25 cents per Q-tip, and other sundries:

Photo02982.  Every room comes with a built-in bottle opener:

Photo0295And the number one sign you may not be staying in the classiest “hotel” in town:

1.  The only telephone in the whole place is in the bathroom:

Photo0297I wish I was kidding.

Happy travels!

2 thoughts on “Top 10 Signs You May Not Be Staying in the Nicest Hotel in Town

  1. I was also reminded of a part from some comedian’s stand-up routine, I think it was Jim Gaffigan, where he talks about that moment where you realize that everything you’ve done in a hotel/motel room, hundreds of other strangers have also done before you. Um…yeah.

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