The Matter with “Moist”

I don’t know if you have noticed, but there are a lot of people out there that dislike like this word.  Actually, “dislike” might be a little bit too mild.  What’s another word for “dislike”?  Detest?  Loathe?  Abhor?  Maybe more than any other single word I have ever encountered.  Like with clowns, I recognize other people’s attitudes, but don’t share them.  No personal problem with the word.  But I have seen people, and they casually overhear a phrase like “moist banana nut bread,” and their hands go all clammy, their ears clinch up like they are hearing nails on a chalkboard, and they go shrieking for the nearest exit.

I can think of one guy out there in particular that suffers from this peculiar strain of logophobia.  Who, coincidentally, I just so happen to dislike (as in, detest, loathe, abhor) myself.  I met him in school, and instantly recognized him for a schmuck.  And I was right.  He was dating a girl that was far too good for him: too pretty, too sweet, too smart, too fun.  So I had to put a stop to that.  He was one of these guys (you know the type), that think they are smart and charming and attractive, basically God’s gift to women everywhere, when the reality is that they are lame, and scrawny, and unjustifiably-egotistical, and basically have no game whatsoever.

And he was super critical too.  Hypercritical.  Of everyone.  Including, but not limited to, his girlfriend.  He was one of those people that was always giving his “honest” opinion (i.e. “that dress does make you look fat,” “I hate those shoes, go change,” “stop licking your fingers while you’re cooking; that’s DISGUSTING!”).  Really, I think he was just attempting to justify the fact that he was a most thorough jerk.  And he was also completely, completely wrong.  Licking fingers while you cook is H-O-T!!! Don’t you dare stop, ladies!

I did the only thing I knew to do.  I stole his girlfriend.  And not surprisingly, he didn’t do anything about it.  Sure, he whined, and tried to get her to see him again, and talked a bunch of trash about me behind my back, but that’s cool.  Revenge is a dish best served cold, and I am looking forward to the day that we re-meet.  If I ever see that coward, trash-talking, no-skill-having punk ever again, I am going to go straight up to him, get right in his face, and say: “Moist, moist, SUPER-MOIST!  EAT IT!!!”  Then I am going to whip out the big chocolate cake that I had his ex-girlfriend (who I am still in very close touch with, by the way) make that morning for just such an occasion, licking her fingers thoroughly throughout, and I am going to shove the entire thing down his throat!

Anyway…anyone else have any feelings about “moist”?  Any other words that make you cringe?  Talk to me.

25 thoughts on “The Matter with “Moist”

    • I think “luscious” means well, but always comes off sounding filthy.

      Regarding “piano,” I know what you mean. Not about “piano” specifically, but every once in a while I will get hung up on a word, even a common word, that I have used countless times, but I will all of a sudden get suspicious and ask myself: “now wait a second, is that really how you spell that? It looks funny…” It can really freak me out. Sometimes I wonder if that is what starting to lose your mind feels like.

      It’s not going to keep me up at night or anything, but “kumquat” certainly doesn’t sound very appetizing.

  1. goiter
    fishwife (what the hell is that, even? unacceptable!)
    wildebeest (actually, that’s not true–I just can’t say it without giggling)
    speaking of giggling, I can’t stand the word “tittering”

  2. Daisy, I do remember Little Women all too well, one of the single most excruciatingly painful movies of all time. The “Marmee” was maddening, and Claire Danes proved herself one of the ugliest criers in the history of the world.

    “Gadfly” shall never cross these lips again.

    • I hear “they” actually made a book out of it, as well…

      I haven’t seen the movie, but I am familiar with the hideous Claire Danes cry (“My So-Called Life,” “Romeo + Juliet”). Maybe she should practice in front of the mirror, poor girl.

      You would alter your impressive vocab for ME?

      • Easy, M. Your original comment didn’t designate whether you were talking about the book or the movie. We at Dunce Academy don’t discriminate against movies that originated as books.

        Yes, she wasn’t only an ugly crier in Little Women. Maybe she should practice.

        My vocabulary would hardly become less impressive by the mere removal of “gadfly.” But for you, I would make much more considerable deletions.

  3. It’s definitely not Louisa May’s fault that Hollywood decided to represent her Bostonian characters with a gaggle of Midwesterners. “Marmee” is just “Mommy”, spelled by someone who doesn’t pronounce her r’s. (The standard spelling of today hadn’t yet appeared in Alcott’s time.)

    • I am always in favor of blame placed on Hollywood, the pack of savages. Fascinating insights, John. I would love to pick your brain on a number of other issues.

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