The Love Calculator

So many people are looking for love.  Puzzling about the definition of love.  Hoping to understand the meaning of love.  Dreaming of the day they will find true love.  Who knew it could be as simple as this?

For centuries, no, millennia, no, EVER, people have been searching desperately: poets, peasants, musicians, masons, kings, emperors, candy shop owners, under-bridge dwellers.  Everybody.  Now we, in the modern age, have it so easy; I don’t think we even realize how easy we’ve got it.

So here it is.  Apparently this is all you have to do.  No bells, no whistles, no fanfare, no pomp, no circumstance.  No guesswork.  No more awkward silences.  No more sweaty palms.  No more “should I?/shouldn’t I?” quandaries on doorsteps.  No more nervously dialing his/her number only to have his/her dad answer, and since you can’t quite bring yourself to hang up, you just sit their breathing creepily into the phone (don’t pretend you’ve never done that).

All you do is this: you go to this website (, and type one name (presumably yours) into Box 1, another name (your intended beloved’s) into Box 2, then hit “Calculate!” (I’m not making up that exclamation point, by the way; it’s right there in the box), and this magical website will calculate your love.

As far as I can tell, you don’t even have to know the other person.  You don’t even have to have met them.  All you need is a name: celebrity, teacher, historical figure, co-worker, you just go for it.  And the love doctor will hook you up!

I tried a number of different combinations, to various results, but the following was by far my favorite:

Dr. Love thinks that a relationship between “Dunce Two” and Gwyneth Paltrow has a very good chance of being successful.  But this doesn’t mean that you don’t have to work on the relationship.  Remember that every relationship needs spending time together, talking with each other, etc.

So it looks like we have a chance, but we are going to have to put in some effort.  Hey, I’m willing if she is.  Gwyneth, what do you say?

So all you love seekers out there, if you want to find out about your compatibility with the next Mr./Miss Maybe, check it out.  And be sure to let me know what happens.

PS: While we’re on the subject, you might enjoy the post Can you be in love with two people?


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