I have been through an embarrassing amount of job interviews. And that doesn’t mean that I don’t get hired. I interview very well. It means that I’ve interviewed a lot and had a lot of different jobs before landing under this dank bridge.
I’ve never prepared for an interview. Style over substance, that’s usually been enough to get me in the door. Then the mad scramble to learn my job before anyone figures out my profound duncery begins.
Even though I don’t prepare, I have helped a lot of other people prep. I have role-played as interviewer plenty of times, and most people want help with the difficult interview questions.
Not difficult questions like “On a scale of 1-17, how likely are you to participate in a dozen hate crimes tomorrow?” or “How many softballs would fit in an ogre’s eye socket?”
I mean questions like “What is your greatest weakness?”
I usually try to help people by saying, “Okay, instead of trying to give the right answer, simply give me the most inappropriate, wrongest answer possible. Then do the opposite in your interview.”
Therefore, I submit to you:
Difficult interview questions and how to answer them
Q. What is your greatest weakness?
A. I adore stealing things. I’m stupid and lazy. Once I thought the person next to me was a homosexual and so I called the police, but they said they couldn’t arrest him. I only arrive on time by accident and I am neither a team player or a self-starter. I smell terrible. I cheat. I’m ugly. I bite strangers. Once I found a gnawed turkey leg in my hair.
I am inertia in a pointy hat.
Q. Tell me about a former boss that you didn’t get along with, and why:
A. No. And if you ask again, I’m going to give you a crescent kick in that ill-secured bun of yours.
Q. Tell me about a time when someone you worked with wasn’t doing their share? How did you handle it?
A. Glad you asked. I was just about to interrupt your earlier question to ask this one.
I worked with a man named Cornelius at a meat packing plant. Cornelius, or “corndog” as we called him, had lots of grandmothers. He had at least six grandmothers die, and always before days when we had an especially nasty shift ahead.
He would also get into the refrigerator and eat my sandwiches. But he would deny it.
Q. And how did you deal with this?
A. With a vengeance.
Q. Can you elaborate on that?
A. I am a serial killer.
Q. Moving on, then. Have you ever misjudged someone?
A. No. The verdict is always guilty.
Q. That’s not–
A. No, it is. Always.
Q. How do you get along with younger coworkers?
A. If they do anything I don’t like I tell them I cram pacifiers into their mouths and put them in the corner. If they try to get out I sit on them. My hips are bony and sharp and this does please them greatly.
See how easy it can be?
Just follow your heart and every job is yours.