Guest post by Dunce Three
President Obama called me the other day to tell me that they got you. I thanked him for the call and hung up the phone. I don’t know why I always think of you when I talk to him; Obama rhymes with Osama I guess. Funny.
It was bound to happen sooner or later. I mean, you became the poster child for evil Muslims everywhere even before 9/11. But that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful that you came along like you did, when you did. I would have been a “one and done” cowboy if not for you.
You understand of course that I had to talk tough at the time. The dead or alive stuff was just for the press. Obviously I didn’t mean it. I made sure you got out of Tora Bora in one piece. If you recall, just six months after your “prank” I told everyone that I wasn’t worried about you and that terror was bigger than one person. When that got played out I distracted everyone with Iraq and WMDs and then I got Saddam and his boys and then told everyone it was just about the same thing as getting you. By then I had a lot of people thinking it was Saddam that did 9/11. It was the best I could do to buy you some time. I reckon we did OK. You got yourself set up in that nice place in Pakistan and had nine more years than you would have gotten otherwise.
Obama clearly doesn’t understand how this all works. We need guys like you around to do our dirty work and keep our citizens’ minds occupied. When the Saudis and the CIA and the Pakistan ISI set you and your mujahideen boys up to fight the Evil Empire in Afghanistan, you were doing America’s work. God’s work. Or Allah’s work, you would say, I suppose.
And you did a good job getting the Soviets out. Then, when the Evil Empire collapsed, you stepped up like the good soldier you are (or were) and replaced them as the next big Evil Doer. I know our boys at the Pentagon and Lockeed Martin and Raytheon and Halliburton and the Carlyle group appeciate what you did. And I know Bill Clinton appreciated you sending some of your boys up to the Balkan mess to help him gain some macho credibility. Hell, even after we figured out that it was your boys that blew out the side of the Cole, we just decided to let it go. Encouragement, you might say, to step up your game. We needed a shooting war and by God you gave us the best one we could hope for. Hell, I was doing grade school visits by that time just to have something to do.
I always meant to “high five” you for sending the 9/11 plot to the writers for that “X-Files” TV show spinoff called the “The Lone Gunmen”. That took some real cajones. In real life them 9/11 Truthers are just like those conspiracy theorist boys on that show. Nobody believes them. But if the 9/11 Commission had called the writers in, that would have been a big problem. But hell, boy, whenever I think of that it still makes me laugh. Cajones like grapefruit!
So now you’re dead. You got your job done. You became obsolete. Sorry, but you knew the job was dangerous when you took it. The whole burial at sea story by Obama’s boys was a nice touch. No one will ever figure out where you are now. I think you’ll like Crawford. It gets hot here in Texas, just like in Afghanistan and Pakistan and Saudi Arabia. But I got you planted here under a nice shade tree with your head pointed at Mecca so you should be OK. I’ll come out and check on you from time to time. No worries. It’s the least I could do.