Does Warm Milk Help You Fall Asleep?

glass of milk

I’ve been having trouble sleeping. You see, not too long ago I saw a man wearing jeans. Nothing strange about that, is there? Well, what if I told you that every single one of the belt loops on his jeans were broken? So of course he wasn’t wearing a belt.

Somehow his pants stayed up around his thin hips, but all I could see were the broken loops. How on earth could that have happened? And now I am up all night, every night.

I consulted with a man over on Centaur Street and he said I should try warm milk. “Does warm milk help you fall asleep?” I asked.

“I couldn’t say,” he said. “I sleep very well.”

“But you did say,” I said.

And he stood there, blinking and chewing his lower lip for awhile before wandering off.

Still, I couldn’t get the suggestion out of my head. I had tried running in place until I dropped of exhaustion. Counting sheep, lavender on my toes, cutting back on caffeine. Nothing worked.

So I snuck into a convenience store and got a bottle of milk. I couldn’t afford to buy it and I didn’t have a heater at home under the bridge, so I was quite sneaky and I put it on the hot dog rollers for about ten minutes and then sneaked out with it under my shirt. The pain was excruciating.

When I got back to the bridge the sun was setting and as I laid down I was thrilled at the thought of a good night’s sleep. Then it hit me. I had no idea what I was supposed to do with the warm milk.

By the time I rubbed it in my hair, dipped my toes in it, beat it like a drum, tossed it from hand to hand, whispered into its cap, threatened it with severe puncturing, and finally kicked it against the wall, I was more awake than ever. And the milk was no longer warm. Does warm milk help you sleep?

When the sun rises I will find that guy and he will regret his lies.


11 thoughts on “Does Warm Milk Help You Fall Asleep?

  1. I can see your predicament, Dunce One. If I found myself obsessing over another man’s pants, I would have trouble sleeping as well. Sometimes I wonder how you live with yourself.

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