White Rapper Face-Off: Eminem vs. Vanilla Ice

vanilla iceeminem marshall maters white rap you know what time it is

Yo, yo, yo!  You know what time it is! It’s been a long time comin’, but we ’bout to hash this beef out once and for all.  Through the years, these two great white hopes have been pitted against each other in a brutal grudge match.  The people want this settled once and for all: who is the greatest white rapper of all time?  Continue reading

Young Fathers

Happened upon the following:
In three separate venues in today’s various airports Sylvanshine had found himself locking eyes with thirty-year-old men who had infants in high-tech papooselike packs on their backs, their wives with quilted infant-supply bags at their sides, the wives in charge, the men appearing essentially soft or softened in some way, desperate in a resigned way, their stride not quite a trudge, their eyes empty and overmild with the weary stoicism of young fathers.
David Foster WallaceThe Pale King
I would maybe take offense, if I wasn’t so feeling so soft and resigned.  And exhausted.


Don't let the smile fool ya

[College in Idaho.  Warm spring day.  I have 5 roommates (well, 4 apartment-mates, one room roommate).  All are older than me.  At least one has a criminal record.  Several have tattoos.  This is atypical for this particular college’s demographic].
Tattooed, Possibly Criminal Apartment Mate (“TPCAM”): “Hey dude, you want to walk to class?”
Me: “Sure.”

When dogs attack!

Easy, Cujo!

Lured by the nice weather, I decided to go running again the other night.  Big mistake!  I had only made it about a block into my route when I heard the menacing growl of a devil dog.  “Man, that dog sounds mean and mad; thank goodness for fences,” I naively thought.  There is a fork at this point in my run, and I can go one of two ways.  The bone-chilling barking was coming from one direction, so just to be safe, I chose the other. Continue reading

In defense of V-Day!

The night before Valentine’s Day found me (as it has before) crowded around the holiday card section at Target.  Surrounded by twenty or so like-minded (or like-procrastinating) fellows, there is a sense of guilty solidarity.

I had my selection narrowed down to two (I opt for funny (which usually means mildly inappropriate) over sentimental in these situations) when just behind me, and very close, I heard: Continue reading

Ideological Catastrophe at Chevron


Pentagram of power!

This morning I purchased a diet Mountain Dew at a local Chevron. The sullen cashier texted while ringing up my drink, then mumbled something that might have been a thank you as I stepped back.

“You’re welcome,” I said.

He looked up. “What?”

He was noticeably confused. As was I.

Around his neck hung a pentagram necklace. Plastic or metal flames licked through its scary lattice. Continue reading

“In the beginning” and other cliches

Dunce One’s post about Very Bad Poetry got me thinking.  Once upon a time, I used to like poetry very much, and fancied myself somewhat of a burgeoning poet.  The reality is, I haven’t written or attempted to write a poem in well over a decade (life gets in the way; you know how it goes).  So imagine my excitement when I came across the “¡Poetry!” group on www.Goodreads.com, a group for poetry enthusiasts to share favorite poems and ideas, as well as original works, in hopes of praise, acclaim, advice, understanding, or (one would hope at least constructive) criticism.  Continue reading

An Unusual Snack

I was walking through the building at work today when I saw something so unexpected, in such an unexpected place, that it unnerved me instantly.

Once I was driving through rural Nevada at night on roads windy enough that it was impossible, or at least dreadfully unsafe, to go faster than 25 miles an hour. I checked my mirror, looked back at the road, and almost screamed at the sight of a black dog ahead in the road, illuminated at the edge of my headlights.

I have no idea why it jolted me so badly. A dog in the road? Not exactly terrifying. But unexpected and sudden. Continue reading

You again?

Okay, this may not be the usual high-brow material our Dunce Academy readers have grown accustomed to, but I have observed a phenomenon that I believe deserves note.  At work, I have a co-worker, and every time I rise to answer nature’s call, so does he.  Every single time.  We work on opposite ends of the building, and would have no way of knowing that the other is embarking on a trip to test out “the facilities” (I recently encountered someone that referred to the bathroom as “the gentlemens;”  I didn’t care for that at all; struck me as pretentious).  But every time I head that way, so does he.  What is going on? Continue reading