In confidence

It seems like love is more exciting when it’s unexpected.

And more exciting still when it’s unexpected because it is forbidden.

And so it was with her.

He told her things in confidence he had never told anyone else.  Had never even admitted to himself.  Not really.   But he wasn’t supposed to be talking to her at all, about anything, so withholding secrets just seemed kind of silly.

It wouldn’t have mattered anyway.  The words didn’t need to cross his lips for her to know exactly what he was thinking, almost before he thought it.  She saw straight through him like a piece of glass.

He wouldn’t say “soul mate,” because he’s not sure what that means, or if he even believes in it.  But she sure seems familiar.  Feels familiar.  He feels more comfortable with her than he has ever felt alone.  And some of the things she says, it’s like she is articulating his deepest, innermost thoughts.  Only more eloquently.

To say he “wanted” her would be insulting, both to her and to the term.  And there was no sugary “you complete me” nonsense here either.  He didn’t think they needed to say or acknowledge anything to each other.  He hoped they just knew.

In his mind, they were like incestuous, overlapping yin yang twins, both yin and both yang, complementary opposites and perfect matches for what the other needed and desired.

But he had no way of knowing what she thought.  If she felt it too.  Some things just aren’t said.  When you’re both spoken for.  It was the only question he could not ask her.


I’m never having fun unless I’m caught up in a…

I’m not truly turned on until engaging in some…

I can’t get through a workday without begging for a…

I can’t get out of bed unless I’m heading to a…

I can’t glance, think, dance, breathe, romance,

Eat, walk, sleep, talk, see, for chance,

Of flirting, skirting, heeding, yearning,

Wanting, taunting, pleading, hurting,

Seeking, creeping, heaping, BLEEPING =

Scandal, scandal, SCANDAL!!!

Guido’s Revenge

"You shoulda come to me first."

“Please turn right,” an artificially pleasant, female-sounding voice said from the dashboard.

Jimmy turned right.

“What the hell was that?” asked Johnny.

“She said ‘turn right,’” said Jimmy.

“I heard what she said,” said Johnny.  “But I’m tellin’ you, I been there, and it ain’t right.”

“Maybe she knows a shortcut,” said Jimmy.

“And maybe you’re an idiot,” said Johnny, “takin’ directions from a broad,” he added, under his breath, “fat, dumb, salsiccia-eatin’, robot-dame-whipped…direction-takin’ mother-…”

“What was that?” Jimmy, the bigger of the two, asked.

“Nothin’,” said Johnny.

“That’s what I thought,” said Jimmy.

“Flip a U-turn up here,” said Johnny.

“Please turn left,” said the robot voice.

Jimmy turned left.

“What…the…HELL?!?!” screamed Johnny.

“She said ‘turn left.’  I’m turnin’ left.  Just sit back…relax…we’ll be there in a jiff,” said Jimmy.

“Oh, so you givin’ orders now?  You know what Junior said.  I’m the brains on this operation; you’re the brawn.”

“This here’s the only brain I need,” said Jimmy, tapping the dash.

“But I been there, Jimmy.  That’s what I’m tryin’ to tell ya.  Where’d you get that thing anyway?”

“Over at Gambino’s.  I know a guy.”

“Gambino’s Electronics?  What’s the guy’s name?”

“Oh, I don’t know.  Greg.  Gary.  Somethin’ with a ‘g.’ I ain’t no good with names,” said Jimmy.

And that was true; Jimmy was no good with names.  Otherwise, he would have remembered that the Gambinos were related to the Gambonis.  And Gill “The Gadget” Gambino (of Gambino’s Electronics) was cousins with Guido Gamboni, with whom Jimmy had had an unfortunate (i.e. permanent) “misunderstanding.”  Both the Gambinos and the Gambonis were great with technology.  And revenge.

“Approaching destination,” said the robot voice.

Of course, it was not their destination, but a dark alley.

“Prepare to die,” said the robot, with the same chirpy pleasantness.

Just then, thugs in trench coats emerged from the darkness.  As bullets pierced the windshield, Jimmy wondered if he still had his receipt.